FBI Investigates Alien Reports Orange, NJ - In one the largest manhunts since the World Trade Center attacks, Special Joint Operations Chief William Sherman issued a news bulletin at a press Conference in Washington DC early yesterday morning. “The person who calls herself 'Swoon' should heed this warning and turn herself into the local authorities before military action is brought to bear. Any person or persons caught abetting or harboring this 'Swoon' person shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law." As of 3/27/04 the town of North Orange, N.J. will be issued a 9:00pm curfew to all citizens whether they are residents or not.” Humble Media contributed to this story.             Alien Wreckage Discovered Painted Desert - Government authorities reported today that they have discovered a wreck at an undisclosed location in the Painted Desert. "It's the strangest thing I've ever seen," said a government investigator that asked to remain anonymous. Unnamed Washington officials stated that they now suspect that the "Swoon" phenomenon may not be the hoax they previously thought.	Car Wrecked Hitting Unknown Woman Morristown, NJ - “One minute I was driving, the next minute she was out in the middle of the road helping a deer that must have been hit by a car earlier," said the unidentified driver, as the ambulance crew was working on her injuries. "I didn’t have time to hit my brakes or do anything before my car plowed into her." The woman driver appeared to be fairly shaken up, though concious and lucid. She claimed that she not only hit a deer, but also a female person who appeared to be "talking" to the deer that was lying in the road. "After crawling out from behind my inflated air bag, I knew she had to be dead and scattered across the roadway. But there she stood, that stupid bitch, perfectly fine, not a mark on her. Then she and that dumb-ass deer walked down the road right off into the woods." Estimated Car Damage $16,000 (Leslie Ann Williams)
(APR)Advance Prototype Research Unveils    Death Machine Reno, Nevada - APR committee chairman David Loom received the stamp of approval yesterday for his new (PLDS) Purple Loom Defense System, after a year-long battle with the Senate sub-committee and Homeland Security Agency. Loom and his five member panel successfully tested the PLMM (Purple Loom Micro Missile) in the Nevada desert with earth-shattering results. PLDS, as Loom describes it, is a weapon for the new millennium and is designed mainly as deterrent against global warfare. Purple Loom is a missile designed to emit Microwave Tangibles on a cellular level. Once the microwaves are emitted it starts breaking down the protein structure in hemoglobin and can cause death within minutes. The only defense against PLDS right now is an experimental Potassium based element known as Globin-P. As for Swoon, she has no thoughts or understanding about what such a weapon will do if unleashed upon society. She sees danger only as it presents itself while trying to protect her freedom. But today she stated that she will try to help because the peaceful life that she desires may be about to fade away forever... And maybe humanity along with it.	Cross Dresser Arrested At Rally! Manhattan, NY - During a 4th of July celebration in midtown yesterday, a Florida man was arrested by undercover police officers and federal agents for allegedly stripping off all his clothes and performing a lewd sex act in public. Local police and Federal Agents, who were already canvassing the area for information concerning the whereabouts of Swoon, watched in shock and disbelief as the nude window washer from Miami whipped out a package of picnic hotdogs and asked if someone would spread mustard on him, while proceeding to pleasure himself to the music of the marching bands. Swoon was not seen or apprehended at the rally which was attended by well over 30,000 people... The hotdog man was taken into custody and taken to a local area hospital for psychiatric observation.