Your Life is Never Enough! By Quick Remedy Jersey City, NJ - Despite all the love and warmth Micheal Koos, has for his loving wife and new born child, he knows deep within his troubled heart that he can no longer protect them from the evil forces that will soon surround them. But today he will try, and try he must, because if he fails then the loving family that he prayed for all his young life may one day soon cease to exist. As the mysterious voice said to him over the phone last night: “If I can’t have my Joy & Passion back, then no one will have anything. So get yourself prepared to lose a battle you never had a chance of winning in the first place. Especially when you decided to turn your back on me and flush my un-sold drugs down your toilet, leaving me with nothing but egg on my face. You should have flushed yourself along with it. Because as we speak, I sadly had to take the lives of your Very nice parents and little baby sister." "And now I’m coming for you." Ps. Micheal, did you really think I cared more about you Than my drugs? Puhleeeeeeeeeeeeez!	No Barking Matter By Fook Mi Soon Stroudsburg, PA - A Tannersville animal shelter was closed yesterday due to reports of missing animals by pet owners whose pets escaped from their backyards while being picked up by Animal Control Officers. Lester Kaboose, the Agency’s leading warrant officer for the Monroe County Area, said he received reports of a darkly dressed woman walking out the front door of the shelter with several animals. The property showed no signs of forced entry and the animals didn’t appear to have had restraints of any kind. Actually, some witnesses reported speculate that the animals seemed very happy. After checking with well over a hundred shelters throughout the Monroe County area, police issued a warrant for Swoon Darvonne’s arrest. Several of the pet owners, who chose not to be identified, said that the return of their pets was all they wanted out of this fiasco. But if they cannot get their pets back, then the owners would just like for them to be happy. “Forget that crap! I want my dog back and that animal-loving bitch behind bars!” said a Stroudsburg Resident who identified himself as “Sweet Willie One Eye”. “If she wants to steal something, let her steal a credit card and take her ass to the mall and buy herself a dog like everybody else. Piss me off!"
The Greatest Show On Earth By Gloomy Gus Wilcox Reno, Nevada - Last night while sitting in front of the television set cradling my 6-month-old son, to sleep, I came across one of the most recognizable programs on television today Monday Night Wrestling. “And boy was it something else”, they had colorful characters with really cool exotic names, like The Razors Edge, The Blue Mystic, and Handsome Johnny Jive Talk. The only thing missing from this grand spectacle of loud pyrotechnics, and heart pounding music, was the grand daddy of them all, the two best showman anywhere, bar none. These two showmen I speak of may not have colorful names or fancy ring music, to hi-light their grand royale. But what they have far makes up for what they don’t have, and that’s common sense. In one corner you have a freshly dug up captured Iraq dictator whose crimes are supposed to out weigh all other crimes committed by man. And then in the other corner you an American president, whose love for his country drives him into a war that no one thinks he can possibly win. And then out in the audience you have thousands upon thousands of people fighting a free for all. And who wins once this horrible mess is over? Nobody. Not even the funeral parlors, or Washington policy makers, because sadly they are at the free for all also. So Swoon, if you’re reading this letter, my sultry alien princess, If I was you, I would leave this planet on the next ship, SMOKIN’, and never look back. This place has too many issues.	Armor Plated “G” By Seldon Seen Manhattan, NY - An unknown source already at the scene, described how Swoon compassionately held the young man’s hand as he took his final breath. His last thoughts were that his troubled past has finally caught up with him. “Someone once called me a armor plated gangster but I’m not. Instead, what I am, is a gun carrying teenager from New Jersey, who’s happens to be dying from several gunshot wounds to the body. And the saddest thing about my terrible situation is that I’m about to leave this world with a bunch of strangers standing around whispering to one another. “What’s taking him so long to die.” People should not have to live in fear of someone like me, while looking over their shoulders at each and every turn. Because, in my book, that isn’t really living. I guess, maybe I should have thought about all this, Mom and Dad, before hurting so many innocent people in life. That’s including your wonderful hearts. It’s like you always told me: “Life is what you make of it.” And maybe in the next life I’ll try and make you proud of me.