Hunter Shot by Bear By Gaylord Smials Clarksburg, NJ - Yesterday was hunting season in the Warren County area where some local town folk and police departments from several surrounding municipalities turned out to participate in the one-day, bear hunt organized by the New Jersey Governors office. In many local townships the bear population has grown to overwhelming numbers forcing some residents to abandon the use of their backyards, raising such concerns as safety, and property damage. Clarksburg Police Captain, Ronald Maialetti, issued a statement yesterday concerning a hunter who was caught on video by campers, shooting at a mother bear and her cubs. Then strangely enough, being shot from behind by what appeared to be a large black bear. The hunter was flown by helicopter to a local area hospital and underwent emergency surgery to remove the bullet and repair extensive stomach and liver damage. After reviewing the video, Captain Maialetti, a long time resident and founder of several animals rights groups, stated that the bear did indeed shoot the hunter as reports suggested. But the gun used was an old carbine rifle left out in the wood by some power line workers, who were themselves worried about bear attacks. “The bear did indeed shoot Mr. Devoe, and he is resting comfortably in the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. As for the bear, it was captured by animal control and turned out to be a circus bear that escaped from a traveling circus on its way to a show in Orange, NJ. The bear did not shoot the hunter out of revenge or protection of the other bears, the bear did what it was trained to do when performing. The bear was trained to pick up a prop rifle and fire it at a clown dressed in weird clothes, where the word “BANG” would pop out the barrel and the audience would cheer and clap in delight. The bear was only acting out of memory and will be returned the circus as soon as they make the proper arrangements to retrieve the animal. As for the person known as Swoon, she was taken into custody while helping the hunter, who would have most certainly died without her assistance. “She was released and driven by my officers to the Warren County line, and asked never to return again,” stated Captain Maialetti. “As for the people looking for Swoon, we the citizens of Clarksburg will not do your dirty work. We gave all agencies ample time to come forward and justify their accusations against Swoon, but since no one has come forward, we find holding her is a violations of her civil rights. Everyone please drive safely and have a nice day.”	Defense Mechanism By Ben Overnow Newark, NJ - Remember all those Swoon sightings you’ve read about in the newspapers? Well, after a long and exhaustive investigation, and hundreds of police man-hours, Special Investigator Charles Chaplin (no relation to the actor), has discovered that they are in fact true. The only puzzling reports that could not be confirmed were the ones that said Swoon was responsible for the millions of dollars worth of damage to the downtown Newark business area 3 days ago . Newark, NJ police department spokesmen Tony Williams, confirmed that a large number of people were seen being helped by Swoon after several cars exploded in the area injuring some 75 people. As for the government vehicles and military Humvees that arrived on the scene, his department had no knowledge of where they came from or who sent them. First Battalion leader Capt. Ray Flash (no relationship to the artist), received his orders to converge on the scene and detain Swoon at all costs. APL tycoon and business Mogul Richard Loom, the founder and developer of the Purple Loom Defense System, received approval from top government officials to go ahead with operation “Capture Swoon” as long as she was considered a non-lethal entity. “But they were wrong,” witnessed Bus driver Shirley Smalls, a Newark, N.J. native for over 25 years. “She wasn’t doing nothing but standing on the corner admiring a policeman’s horse when, all of a sudden, these men with their guns drawn started yelling at her to lay down on the ground or they would shoot." "But they started shooting anyway. They must have fired a couple of hundreds bullets, but not one hit her, she just kept standing there. Then all suddenly she picked up a small car and threw it at them. That’s when all hell broke loose. Suddenly cars were exploding all over the place, buildings were on fire and women and children were screaming and running for their lives." "All the while, Swoon kept trying to make the military people leave her alone. After the smoke cleared I looked up and she was gone, and the downtown area that I knew all my life was in a shambles, it looked like Beirut or something." "I don’t why those men were after her or why they would start a small war in populated area where people live and work everyday. My husband later told me that she was an alien life form from another planet and she was a threat to national security and that letting her walk the street could be disastrous. But I told my husband this world has a lot more pressing stuff to worry about than some woman with an area code problem. Hell, with all the crap going on in Iraq, and people starving and dropping dead like flies, maybe we need something like Swoon to bring us together and say if keep this bull**** up we won’t be around to keep killing each other off. So Swoon, if you’re reading this article, girl-friend, I hope your intentions are good because you’re the kick in the ass I think humanity needs. YOU GO GIRL… Estimated damage: well over $1,500,000.00 dollars.
Drool By Swoon Darvonne These tears in my eye’s are not for myself but for a civilization that knows no better way to handle their problems than kill one another. I came to earth because I thought that maybe just maybe, with a little time and understanding the people of earth would realize that wars and hatred are battles no one can win. But soon all that will change and Drool will be the reason why. It’s been almost 2 years now since the thought of Drool has crossed my mind and I’m very scared. I don’t know if these Earth people are ready for anything like Drool, and the carnage it will bring to their lives. But soon they may have no choice because Drool will one day soon find it’s way here, and humanity will have a new adversary to fight instead of killing one another. Except with Drool it lives for the pleasure of killing you from the inside out, while using your internal organs to feed it’s off-spring. Drool was never known for being kind or remorseful, or even having a heart for that matter, it would rather feed on yours. Drool has conquered many worlds and has destroyed a lot of hopes and dreams along the way to assure the survival of it species... My planet first encountered Drool when one of it’s pods was jettisoned from a low flying cargo ship enroute to the Saturn Delta. We first tried to understand Drool And accommodate some of its needs. But soon we found out that our bodies are what Drools needed most. I lost three of my closest friends in Drool attacks and watched countless other perish at it’s love for killing those it considers a worthy host. I have killed a many Drool drones and have fallen at the feet of some, but one thing I never did was give that acid-tongued parasite a chance to see me tremble. In fear, thanks for all your help RIPLEY… PS. Humanity I hope you’re ready for this war because this is one fight no one can win, No one human that is… We’re screwed!