Impacted Wisdom! By Unknown Cape Canaveral, Fl - Last week global communications satellites discovered a signal sent from a unknown source at an unknown time in the past. Researchers believe this message was sent from a planet outside of our solar system. The message, which was sent in an easy to translate form of rhythmic code asked that a unnamed traveler abandon their efforts to save the senders of the message. It goes on to say “We love you Swoon, and you will never be alone as long as you have faith in yourself. We are sending you these coordinates for a planet we believe your ship has the ability to successfully journey to. The planet is called Earth. We don’t know what kind of people you will encounter when you arrive there Swoon, but what ever happens try and keep your faith. Always remember that we love you and that no obstacle is too great to overcome. If things get scary and they try and harm you in any way, take action first and ask for forgiveness later. You are who you are and the new place you call home will have to accept that. I wish I could be there for you and hold you in my arms but sadly, sometimes we can’t have things the way we would like them. Your father, sister, and I don’t mind dying as long as you have a chance to live. I know these words I speak are of no comfort to you Swoon, but it must be said. So take care of yourself my wonderful daughter and always try and remember what we taught you about different species of life. Sometimes they don’t know what they are doing, but they have to do what’s in their nature. And that’s to either love or to destroy one another. Maybe one day they’ll choose the first.”	Rules to Live By By Shelly Smith Holmdel, NJ - Shelly Smith, gossip columnist and entertainment editor for fan-beat magazine turned out for the 80’s “Battle of the Bands” rock concert featuring none other than the super group themselves “Rules To Live By” (RTLB). Radio DJ’s from several New York Affiliates covered the concert and discovered that a new world attendance record was set for a non-stadium event. Dominick Maltese, front man for the band and one of the biggest Swoon supporters played the song “Oceans Run Deep” in honor of the alien princess. Promoters speculate that rumors were floating around all day before the concert began that Swoon was going to be in attendance that evening and maybe find her way up on stage to sing a song with RTLB. Police and Federal authorities canvassed the outside of the Pavilion center with K-9 units and plain-clothes officers in hopes that the rumors had some truth to them. But as usual Swoon was nowhere to be found. 18 people were reportedly taken into custody during the show and were charged with possession and use of a controlled substance and hindering the investigation of federal authorities. As the concert began to pick up momentum, party goers began to chant “Swoon! Swoon! Swoon!” while pushing agents and police barricades to the ground. RTLB finished up the concert with a rousing rendition of the Rolling Stones “Start Me Up” and their multi-platinum single “Ghost In The Closet” from the album “Motor City Blues” which brought down the house. RTLB was asked never to appear at the famed Pavilion Center again. Mr. Maltese and the other band members sent a statement apologizing for the near riot that took place that evening. But balked at apologizing for their admiration for and support of Swoon, and that as long as the check they received from the promoter (in the amount of $354,000.00) clears, then the Pavilion promoter will have no problem from the band’s attorneys.
Random Chaos? By Whistler Moore Ocatilla Wells, CA - Let’s hear it for the low life bad guy in town, dear readers. He may be the lowest of the low, the foulest of the foul, and the slimiest of the slimy. But the one thing you can’t say about David Loom is that he’s boring. And besides, why would anyone want to call this fine gentleman of mayhem and destruction boring when he does so many “wonderful” things to help humanity; such as developing a state of the art weapon that will make a nuclear blast look like a small match stick fire. Or the fact that he hates a female alien so much that he will stop at nothing to assure her capture while killing millions in the process. So far America, we have been lucky in our non-trust of Mr. Loom and his many dangerous plots to capture an alien life form most people would rather have living next door to them then himself. His so called “Shock and Awe” plan for Swoon in Newark, NJ a few months ago shows just how little Mr. Loom cares about human life. No was killed during that fiasco but, what if things were different and Swoon was looking for a fight that day. He could have gotten hundreds, even thousands, killed in his single-minded pursuit of a woman he doesn’t even know. My editor in chief asked me to not print this story in fear that Mr. Loom, may seek legal action against the newspaper. But I said to hell with sitting back and watching this billionaire cornball destroy our way of living. After all we don’t go down to his private yacht club and help ourselves to his caviar. If he wants to capture someone so bad, he should try taking his draft-dodging behind over to Afghanistan and chase some terrorists for a while. He knows they would stick a missile right up his back side and launch his ass into outer space. So Mr. Loom , if you’re reading this article I would like to go on record as asking you to jump off Swoon’s case and jump in “Random Kaos’” face. After all, Swoon was the one that saved you from him in your laboratory that evening. And this is the thanks she gets. What a moron…	In Everyone’s Life A Hack Band Must Fall By Morry Walker Smith Asbury Park, NJ - Last night’s concert at the Asbury Tribeca Arena got great reviews. And as usual the rock band “Rules To Live By” (RTLB) was rocking the house with what they do best: some of the best live instrument playing people have heard in years. Since joining the Asbury Sun News entertainment section I have had the pleasure of listening to some the best chart topping music by some of the best artists in the business. There were times listening to other bands when I wished I could have driven an ice pick thru my skull so I could end the misery. As a music critic, dear readers, I have had the pleasure of enjoying all different types of music such as R&B, Reggae, Rap, Hip Hop, And Rock ‘n’ Roll. But there was this one group, (I don’t want to say any names, but their initials are “Purple Flower Power”) that had no talent, no act and no idea what a musical note looked like. Everyone who listens to music knows the real deal from the fake at heart, or the mentally challenged. Well, this group was all that and more because in my book that would be the only reason that this group would perform the song “Travelers Blues” and claim that this is new material from their new album which went on sale today. Everyone knows that that song was released 5 years ago by RTLB, and what made it worse was that they didn’t even change a note of the music or lyrics. They lip synced over the tracks, pushed up the percussion section, and put heavy reverb on the background vocals. Hell, you could even hear Lars Bruce’s, Lenny Kraven’s and Dominick Maltese’s voices fading in and out at times. If it wasn’t for Swoon coming to the stage and standing between RTLB and Purple Flower Passion, I think they (PSP) would be dead meat right about then. But that still doesn’t help RTLB, who, once again, because of frightened promoters and insurance adjusters, were asked not to appear at that venue again. And in their usual fashion RTLB released a statement thru their spokespersons that if their check for $221,000.00 clears the promoter will have no reason to hear from them again. P.S. RTLB: I hope you guys keep on rockin’ and do what you best - play the best live show this critic has ever heard. Thank you!