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By Lisa Williams Greenwich Village, NY - Ten days ago, Lisa Williams lost her job of 10 years. Her house, car and her whole way of living was about to fade away forever. So she bought a gun. Nine days later, Lisa contacted the Human Resources department about getting her job back. She was told that her position no longer existed. Eight Days later, Lisa and her husband come face to face with the grim fact they were about to lose everything they worked for. So she loaded her gun. Seven days later, Lisa was told at the Unemployment Office that, due to back taxes past owed, she would only receive half of the allowed benefits. Six days later, a fed-up and angry Lisa called her mother and father and thanked them for being wonderful parents and told them this may be the last time they hear from her. Five days later, Lisa arrived at her former place of business and sat in the atrium to await her boss’sarrival. Did I mention she had locked and loaded? Four minutes later, the morning crowd started to fill the lobby and all elevators were in full swing. Suddenly, a passing lady whispered in her ear, “It’s gonna be alright, trust me.” Three minutes later, Lisa’s boss arrived and was walking towards Lisa who was then standing only ten feet away from her target. Two minutes later, Lisa’s hand clutched the 38 revolver in her purse as tears rolled down her face. Suddenly, her boss reached out to hug her. Ten seconds later, Lisa pulled the gun up to the top of her pocketbook ready to pull the trigger as her boss wrapped his arms around her. Five seconds later, Lisa was asked by her boss how she liked her new office, new position, and company car. He also mentioned that he was sorry for the mix-up with Human Resources. One second later, Lisa dropped to her knees and cried and thanked God for not allowing the un-thinkable to happen. No matter how hard things get, tomorrow maybe a better day. Oh yeah, and thank you to Swoon for planting that little bug in my ear. |
By Harmony Williams Holmdel, NJ - Two day ago, while surfing the local chartrooms in search of some hot girl to talk to, a question was raised concerning the King of Rock ‘n’ Roll and Swoon. A buddy of mine, who was a conspiracy theorist at heat, asked a crazy question, “Who do you think history will remember more a hundred years from now, Elvis Presley or Swoon Darvonne?” Being a big fan of the King, and a steadfast supporter of the sultry alien princess, I had to say both. Elvis, for his commitment to music and the art form he helped to re-invent, and Swoon for her commitment to humanity and the belief that anyone can make a difference as long as they are true at heart. When I think of Elvis, I hear the song “In the Ghetto” playing, a song he sang with great warmth and passion. Many of my friends, including my family, grew up in very poor surroundings, sometimes we didn’t even know where our next meal was coming from. But that one particular song made me think to myself, “Hey, someone else knows my pain.” Suddenly things didn’t seem all that bad. When I think of Swoon, a female alien, who many say is pretending to be good and just waiting for humanity to drop it’s guard, then suddenly, without warning, we will find ourselves living an episode of the twilight zone: “Don’t get on that ship, “To Serve Man” is a cook book!” And then she’s going to gobble us up. Well if that what she has in mind then someone can just the Masterpiece Barbecue Sauce Company and ask them to send over a barrel of their finest sauce, because I’m ready to be eaten. Besides, what harm can Swoon do to humanity that we haven’t already done to one another countless times over. Being from another planet don’t make Swoon evil in my book. What makes someone evil is watching people go hungry and then 10 hours later you launch a 5 billion dollar satellite into outer space. Then they get scared when someone from another planet comes a calling. So if you ask me I think the “Alien Princess” and the “King of Rock ‘n’ Roll” will both be remembered for their accomplishments and understanding. If we’re lucky, maybe, just maybe, we will be remembered for something heart-felt and noble even if it just means giving a homeless person a blanket... |
By Quickremedy Ocatilla Wells, CA - CBF Broadcasting’s newest hit series, “American Cover Girls” (ACG) kicked off it’s 2nd season premier in grand style and pageantry with celebrities from around the World. Cover Girl’s, the networks newest and most highly rated show presented television and studio audience with a one of kind treat: Swoon Darvonne. It was reported that rating shares for the evening’s star studded gala went through the roof. It is estimated that over 500 million people tuned in for the show, which showcased top model Tempest Mars, going head to head with the alien princess. Allure Fontain, organizer and lead designer for ACG, released a statement revealing that Swoon agreed to appear on the show if a sizable donation was made to the two charities of “Feed the Homeless” and “Pets Are People 2”. The exact figure of the donation was not disclosed at press time, but administrative sources quoted the figure at around 10 million dollars. The evening’s musical entertainment Rules To Live By (RTLB) was due to perform songs from their forth album, but were delayed at Kennedy Airport customs for illegally trying to smuggle a live Brazilian Chinchilla mascot thru airport security. CBF spokesmen Harland Meyers, called the screw up unacceptable act of stupidity and is banning RTLB from ever appearing on the network and it’s affiliates until a retainer check in the amount of 100,000.00 was returned. Military specialist, Raymond Flash, invited guest of the show, was reportedly seen holding a brief conversation with Swoon backstage, just before she exited the building and disappeared into the night. On another note, it was reported thatFBI agents, State Police, and the Sheriff’s Dept. converged on the television studio in hopes of detaining Swoon, but soon discovered what they were looking at on television was a delayed telecast of the show filmed 24 hours previously. |
By Patient Admirer Asbury Park, NJ - Dear Swoon, I know you’re probably wondering why I’m confessing my love and support to a woman I never met before. But I think that’s what makes writing this letter all the more important. Since I first started reading about you in the newspapers and discovering all the wonderful things you do to help people, I knew deep inside my heart that you are the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with. I know we both come from two different worlds (Oh boy, does that ever bring new meaning to the phrase). And we may have some obstacles to overcome. But I am ready to face that situation head on just so long as I have you by my side. I never told anyone Swoon, including my family and friends, how I feel about you. I’m just trying to keep the gossip mongers and closet whispers out of our business. With this letter, Swoon, I am enclosing a ring and a open date for our wedding if you think I’m worthy of you. Please don’t get me wrong, Swoon, I’m not some crazy nut, I’m just crazy about you. The ring I’m sending you is made from African Maldonado Platinum, encrusted with 2 carat diamonds. Don’t worry about the expense, Swoon, I have millions of dollars and unlimited ways to express my love to you. Oh! by the way, don’t think for one moment I believe what they say in the newspapers about you posing for some nude video. I think this is someone ‘s way of making a quick buck off someone else’s good name. My sources gave me a file on who is trying to defame you, Swoon, and I just want you to know that I am on the case. I managed to halt the distribution of the bogus video and at the same time give Walter (Big Cigar) Newman a good piece of my mind. I told him to his slimy face that if he messed with you again he would have to use all the resources his magazine can muster to keep me from having him lying on the beach But he won’t be needing suntan oil, if you get my drift. P.S. I love you Swoon Darvonne, even if you may never love me back. |