Petland Caper By Daff E. Duch Orange, NJ - Two hours after filming an episode of the popular television series “Cops,” two detectives from the City’s “Cold Case” robbery division discovered an attractive female lurking outside a Petland Discount store, who fit the description of Swoon. Robbery & Homicide detective Ronald Stiff, who was on stake out at the First National Bank across the street that evening, watched in disbelief as the dark figure known as Swoon disarmed the two 10 year veteran detectives with ease. Drawing his 9mm Berretta detective Stiff ordered the sultry beauty to stand down, step back, and lie face down on the ground. Suddenly, shots rang out from Jason Quick’s weapon, as he fired from the ground, hitting Swoon in the lower abdomen. Approximately one minute later, six backup units arrived along with a Med-Evac unit from Saint Gregory’s Hospital Trauma Center. Detective Quick and his partner suffered non-life threatening injuries. Later on that evening, acting on an anonymous tip, Detective Stiff, apprehended two of the state’s most notorious bank robbers. As for Swoon, the officer’s bullets did as he intended. They tore into Swoon’s body, piercing her stomach, destroying her intestines and spilling a large quantity of her blood on the pavement. Swoon stood repeating the words she sadly knew were true, “I see it’s in your nature to destroy yourselves, but I will forgive you. Sorry I can’t stay but maybe we will meet again.” And walked away as her body began to heal itself.	Yesterday, Tomorrow, Forever By Segada Mars Orange, NJ - Yesterday, on the corner of Main and Day streets, Police received reports of large crowds of people gathering outside a small clothing store cheering and clapping in some kind of celebration. After arriving on the scene, Police discovered that the mass gathering was due to a missing child who was found unharmed. Amy Moorhead, the child’s mother, expressed her thanks to the City for their help in apprehending the two male suspects who kept her 5-year-old daughter locked in the trunk of their car for 3 days. The child, who was resting comfortably at Orange Memorial Hospital, told a wild tale of how a nice lady ripped the trunk of the car and carried her to freedom. Police arrested the two men after they checked witness reports of two men buying children’s clothing with a stolen credit card and asking the store cashier if she knew anyone who would like to buy a baby. Then men, who were obviously drug-addicted and have arrest sheets dating back some 15 years, told police they gave the child a video game to play with and to keep her company. They also stated that they would not harm the child, they just needed money. Police also discovered a list of possible future children they were planning on snatching if this plan had worked out. The two men are being held without bail and will face charges from four other states, including Texas, which considers child kidnapping to be closely akin to a capital offense. No one knows for sure who the lady was that rescued the child, but this reporter knows the handy work of Swoon when she hears of it. I would like to say “Thank you so very much for helping another one of our Nation’s children.”
Stand For Something Or Fall Before Drool By Eileen Dover Newark, NJ - Okay, maybe Swoon wasn’t ready for her next encounter with the creature known as Drool, or maybe Drool, with its razor-sharp teeth and decapitating bite, wasn’t ready to do battle with the alien princess either, but everyone who was present that day knew that the battle between good and evil was about to take place then and there. Come hell or high water, Swoon was going to have to pull off the miracle of a lifetime if anyone was to survive. Shortly before her death, Lisa Westerling, reporter with CBF News, reported the spectacular battle that began in the downtown shopping district of Newark, NJ and consumed the entire area. It appears that Swoon, followed by a large group of angry, frightened, citizens began battling Drool Drones as they ripped bodies nearly in half and threw cars into buildings as if they were toys. One woman, who was reportedly trying to take cover with her child after abandoning her car in the middle of a panic-filled intersection, was cut in half as she lay dead and her baby dying in Swoon’s arms. “Help me! Help me!” was heard from the hundreds of fatally injured people, some with limbs torn off and others with hot fragments of razor sharp metal embedded in their skin. Saint Job’s Medical Center setup a triage unit at Newark’s Penn Station, to be used as a staging area for medical assessments and military transport operations. Military specialist Raymond Flash, who was flown in by Harrier Jump Jets from the USS Garth, stationed in Manhattan, NY, on maneuvers, was given direct orders by the President Of the United States to halt the deadly invader at all costs. But under no circumstances was the Purple Loom device to be deployed. Air Force tactical fighter squadrons used their newest state-of-the-art F-23 Falcon Jump Jet to lay down surface missile strikes and ground fire against the deadly marauders. The Drool Drones, which stand at a remarkable height of 10 feet tall, and weigh in excess of 500 pounds, withstood machine gun fire from National Guard units and State Police, but became weak when they came in contact with salt water and heat. It was later learned from Swoon that the drones were more susceptible to intense heat and pressurized steam than any weapon the city had at their disposal. Ray Flash, who on a few occasions had the privilege of meeting the alien princess, took Swoon’s suggestion and commandeered 120 water trucks from municipal garages thought out the city. Water was also pumped in from Newark’s Hudson Bay by Fire Dept. and Coast Guard units with 150 volunteers manning pressurized hoses. In all, well over 5,000,000 gallons of salt water was used to fend off the deadly drones. Police chief Ron Maialetti, who was also at the scene, commanded helicopter gun ships from the USS Garth and was accredited for killing 75 drool drones and saving countless lives. Jerry Hennig, the State’s Emergency Response expert, ordered all water truck drivers arriving at the scene of the battle to run like hell upon reaching the site. He instructed them not to try and be a hero. Specialist Raymond Flash was also given a standing ovation by the city and its wounded citizens for knocking Inventor David loom on his ass, and having him placed under military arrest on charges of Treason (Sec code -167-392 Article 55) and sharing classified information with a foreign Government.	He Remembers By Reminiscing in Pittsburgh Pittsburgh, PA - Every morning, Liam O’Neal awakes to an alarm clock ringing and a sweat stained pillowcase as he lies there with his head swirling and his heartbeat racing at twice the normal pace. He remembers the image of the woman that consumes him at night and that she is amazingly wonderful as well as beautiful beyond belief. He remembers an embrace that was so inviting that every fiber of his being ached for her presence. He remembers a smile so warm and dangerously sensuous that most countries including the Land of Oz would consider it to be against the law. He remembers a gentle hand so soft that he feels her touch even when they’re a hundred miles apart. He remembers her eyes so luminous that he can’t stand because they make his knees weak, and falling would only give him the opportunity to worship her as she deserves. He remembers her having a walk that began with one stride and ended with the same one, because to him she was simply standing still, looking good. He remembers thinking to himself just how lucky he is to have her in his life and hoping he never loses her. He remembers her feet and how he likes to rub them and watch her make that kitten-like purring sound that makes him feel like he’s standing at heaven’s door. He remembers driving home one day and kissing her for thirty straight minutes, while holding a bouquet of roses behind his back. He remembers the car accident that claimed the use of his legs and his romantic passion and suggested she find another man to love. He remembers her holding his face in her hands and kissing him with love and tears as she slowly walks out the door. He remember her leaving him for good while he cries like a child who lost his mother while out shopping. He remembers 3 second later her walking back through the front door of their home with his wheel chair ready to take him to the doctor’s office for a visit. He remembers her leaving him was all in his head, and with a few more doctors’ visits those feelings won’t be around much longer. He remembers a darkly dressed woman saving him from a burning car and healing his badly burned body, giving him a second chance at life and whispering to him “She Loves you very much – remember.” He remembers being grateful once again and continues to think about his wife every morning only this time without her leaving him because he’s crippled.