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By Nancy Forrest Long Island, NY - Late yesterday evening the sultry alien known as Swoon Darvonne nearly committed her first capital offense, namely: murder. David Loom founder and developer of the (PLDS) Purple Loom Defense System was found unconscious at his Long Island laboratory with Swoon standing next to lifeless body. Two of Mr. Loom’s top associates were also found unconscious and in critical condition at the same facility. UCLA microbiologist Jon Woody Sr, was flown in and briefed on Mr. Loom’s condition. Medical evidence collected at the scene showed that Mr. Loom was contaminated by his Purple Loom device, by someone of unreasonable strength and very little fear of the mechanism. Enchantra Gail, top reporter for Humble News Media discovered videotape showing Swoon leaping a startling 35 feet and striking David Loom as he tried to call for help. Surveillance cameras show that Swoon was there at the time of the attack and may have had an accomplice hiding in the background. Since Swoon does not cast a shadow and does not shows up on film normally but rather in a hazy silhouette form, the chances of the tape being wrong is very doubtful. (LSSS) Life Sign Signature Systems, which can read a person’s body temperature and atomic mass at a startling one thousand times the magnification of normal scanning, detected no hemoglobin patterns in or around Mr. Loom’s attacker. So since Swoon’s genetic make-up carries no hemoglobin or human DNA. CIA chief investigator Dorothy Anderson, said it is safe to believe that she is in fact the guilty party. An arrest warrant was issued for Swoon, but the authories don’t want another incident on their hands like what happened in Newark NJ a few weeks ago. So Swoon will have to be hunted down and captured at an undisclosed location at an undisclosed time. These orders are subject to change. |
By Dark Gable Hoboken, NJ - Last night a five alarm fire at an apartment house on Downing Street sent smoke and fire hundreds of feet in the air, which could be seen for miles. Fire departments from five surrounding areas responded to the blaze, which nearly claimed the lives of almost 75 people. Several homeless tenants reported seeing a woman, a man, a child, and a cat, embracing in a hug as the fire consumed them, causing the building’s 5th floor to pancake down to the 1St floor. Fire department spokesman Reed Dunbar recalls the moment the building’s front façade became weakened from the intense heat and collapsed into the street sending burning embers flying everywhere. But just when all hope was lost for the tragic lady and her unknown companions, a miracle happened. Suddenly the heat and flames took on a whole new shape and Swoon was doing her thing once again. Swoon with her polymorphic structure took the heat from the fire surrounding them and turned it into cold energy. The fire was still there; she only made it harmless to the touch. Fire experts registered the heat signature outside the building at around 500 degrees or more since an accelerant was used to start the blaze. But for some reason the fire within the building in which they were still engulfed registered at a temperature of only 70 degrees. Swoon walked out of the fire that evening with the trapped man and little daughter along with the cat and disappeared into the crowed. No one was seriously hurt that evening thanks to Swoon, and now you have one single father and his little baby girl who will never forget the lady who changed their lives forever. The crowds cheered for Swoon after the fire, while police looked for her, however, no one believes they were looking too hard for her, since they were among those who started clapping and cheering as she walked away in the first place. |
By Sleepless While Dreaming Yesterday Curvaceous Curves owner and chairman of the board Walter (Big Cigar) Newman upped his offer of 2 million dollars to 5 millions dollars to Swoon Darvonne if she would grace the covers of his newly released best selling men’s magazine. Since the magazines conception during the spring of 2002, over 50 million copies have found their way off the printing presses straight into people homes. But that’s not the interesting part. The magazine’s opinion poll was taken this summer in 2004. The primary readership was adults 18 to 29 and 45 to 70 most of them being young males or senior citizens groups. The male population has always been behind Swoon also (Not Like That, hahahah) since a photograph of her was revealed showing off her “dangerous” curves, and sexy innocent smile. Women’s groups and super models from around the world have taken up picketing the offices of Curvaceous Curves, to express their shock that someone would want to see a naked alien. Mark Newman, son of the powerhouse magnate and vice president of curves, asked that the people be allowed to decide who and what they would like to see, and that “sour grapes” is what is motivating the female picketers to come forward. Miss Curves 2002 Nania Hilton, stood by Curves decision to offer Swoon a modeling contract for the 1 week shooting schedule. Since the magazines multi million-dollar offer no one has seen or heard from Swoon concerning the media buzz. No one knows for sure what Swoon’s true measurements truly are, but FBI profiler and video Imagery listed her vitals as follows: Name: Swoon Darvonne Place Of Birth: Unknown Age: Estimates 27yrs but unknown Eye Color: Hazel Green Lips: Full and Tempting Measurements: 38-22-36 (Hourglass) Skin Tone: Mocha Pleasure Hair Color: Auburn Sensual Height: 5ft 8inches Special Gifts or Powers: Can manipulate liquid and the surrounding air. Has the ability to transfer emotion from person to person for a brief period. Strength: level rises, as she grows concerned Protection Devices: Protected by an outer solar shield during daylight. But much prefers darkness for solitude. | By Ms. Royale Payne Today was the day Swoon finally decided maybe she made the wrong choice in choosing earth as her new place to call home. Granted, Swoon has seen her fair share of crazy moments and may have been involved in a few. But one thing that bothered her to the core was seeing someone hurting something that could not defend itself. Late yesterday evening while sitting in the park watching the ducks swim by. Swoon witnessed first hand the destruction people can bring to themselves and others around them. A small chemical company driving an unmarked truck loaded with toxic materials decided that the local state park was as a good place to dump their 10 barrels of highly toxic 1,1,1 tri-chloroethane. Tri-chloroethane, as described by the warning tags on the containers, is a high grade cleaning solution formerly used as a degreaser and metal cleaning agent. It is considered very harmful if ingested or exposed to skin for any period of time. That means that the mother duck and her ducklings were in danger of being poisoned if this chemical ever made it’s way into the water. But Swoon, not forgetting her prime directive about interfering with human evolution chose to ignore her directives, and put a stop to the situation before it became unstoppable. A couple jogging in the park remember seeing Swoon walk toward the truck while three men with hand trucks moved barrels from the truck down to the lake. Then not knowing what words were spoken, watched as Swoon walked around the side of vehicle and flipped it over on its side. The three men who were watching in amazement dropped the barrels and ran like hell. But one of barrels having a weakened lid fell into the pond releasing 55 gallons of pure poison into the water. But wait, dear readers, you haven’t heard the best part yet. Swoon with a move you would only see in a Mel Gibson movie or at a Los Angeles Lakers game, walked across the lake as graceful as a swan, while parting the water down the middle, then separating the tri-chloroethane from the water. Where she then tossed the poison back on land. Police later arrested the 3 men and their employers and charged them all with 12 counts of conspiracy to create a biological hazard. We are happy to report that the ducks are doing just fine. Whew…that was a close one! 
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