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By Louie “Lug wrench” Smalls Patterson, NJ - Two local area bank robbers who were attempting to rob the same First National Trust bank on 6th avenue and Broadway this morning were taken into police custody after a wild shoot-out inside the famed institution. Bank manager Lou Costello (No relation to the actor) was startled when a man wearing pantyhose on his head and asking for change for a $100.00 bill approached him with 9mm handgun in his hand. But before he could reply the masked robber handed him a note and shouted in the air “This is a stick-up! Don’t nobody move!” But at that moment somebody did move, a second bank robber who in return shouted the exact same command only he was carrying a bigger gun and dressed as an ugly woman. Police SWAT teams, and undercover police officers remember one of the bandits rambling on about how he ordered these two women to lie down on the floor with their hands on top of their heads, while trying to keep an eye on the 1st robber who was attempting to enter the bank vault. Bank surveillance cameras picked up a silhouette of a figure of a woman walking towards one of the bandits while the other hapless crook watched as she launched him 25 feet thru a plate glass window. One witness observed, “It’s obvious neither one of these guys were experienced criminals, since neither one of them fired a single shot at the lady. Unfortunately, these two idiots chose to rob the same bank at the same time and ran into something totally unexpected. Hell, I think they should have shot the bank guard who was sleeping during the whole thing and the bank should hire that lady. At least she looks better in blue than the guard did. He just went back to sleep after the robbers were taken into custody.” |
By Fiona Neeves Johnson Buskill, PA - Corporate promoter and long time hemorrhoid suffer Jason Reardon, revealed at a press conference today that Curvaceous Curves newest babe of the year is Swoon Darvonne. Walter Newman, Curves CEO and founder released a statement acknowledging the multi million-dollar venture his corporation has in cooperation with the sultry alien princess. The soon to be released video tape which was shot on location in Cancun Mexico shows Swoon fully naked and lying on the beach smiling as she spread sun tan oil over her body. Senior photographer Willard Gooseberry, who has photographed some of the most beautiful women in the world for Curves, expressed shock and disbelief at the photos which bore his name, and claimed no knowledge of Swoon or ever having spoken to anyone about shooting the alleged video. Curves spin-doctor Latanya Wolf, accused Mr. Gooseberry, of backing out of the multi million-dollar venture because she claims to have a contract he signed before the video was produced. They only paid him 7% of the contract - not the full 35% he tried to negotiate for after the video was shot. As for Swoon, she could not be reached for comment since no one knows her where-abouts or place of residence. The video, which is expected to hit the stores by mid July, has video retailers ordering as many as a thousand copies per unit, with an agreement to ship two hundred per week for the rest of the year. Video Rewind Magazine estimates that the Swoon video may set a new standard for straight to video market that no previous release could dream of ever accomplishing. Gooseberry ranted, “Whether or not the person in the video is Swoon, I would like to go on record as saying I think this whole thing is complete sham. And just because my name is on this thing does not mean it’s true, or that I had anything to do with it. Curvaceous Curves has lied to me in the past and I’m very sure that they don’t mind lying to their audience as well. I just hope this incident don’t make us all look bad in Swoons eye’s when all she ever does is try and help people.” Newman said that his magazine would be releasing 8 x 10 color glossy prints of the photo shoot soon. Stay tuned for more details… |
By Otis El-Baytor Hollywood, CA - This weekend the summer movie release of “Swoon Chronicles” was a huge box office success. Audiences rushed to box offices in record setting numbers which enable the new Hollywood princess to rake in a weekend gross of $98.7.million. Hollywood insiders and trade magazine associates credit Swoon’s urban popularity to the audience needs for a new kind of hero. Randall Lemonsucker, a critic for E-Camera News, said, “If we can capture on film half the energy and love Swoon has brought to our world since her arrival here a few years ago, we could make sequels for the next 10 years and still never have touched the core of the Iconic Diva." The budget for the Sci-fi blockbuster was tagged at around $160 million, leaving studio executives a bit nervous, wondering if the Swoon phenomenon was a new street paved with gold or an underground cult nightmare. Special effects coordinator Dominick Hartley revealed in productions notes the obstacles he faced when trying to re-create Swoon heroism on screen. One such challenge was the building fire in New York, in which she saved an entire family and their pet from burning to death. Using news footage and eye witness accounts of the events, Hartley discovered that what Swoon did inside the burning inferno that day. He was astonished, to say the least and required the special effects talent of over 15 digital artists from around the country. “I examined news footage of the Newark NJ incident first hand and the battle that took place there must have been mind boggling. I also visited the lake in New York where she walked across the water, then parted it, removing the toxic waste and tossing it back on land. It was miraculous! Once I saw these things I knew I would be making Swoon movies for years to come. I just wish we could have had her blessing in the making of this film.” | By Poetic Justice New York, NY - A twice-convicted rapist with an appetite for brutalizing and disfiguring his victims was found gravely injured a few blocks from where witnesses reported that he attacked a darkly dressed woman in a local park. He was found lying in a neighborhood park with his arm torn off and lying a few feet from the rest of his body. Doctors at Saint Paul’s Lucien Medical Center stated that the victim, a male, 29 yrs old, was probably beaten with his own arm after it was removed from his body. Blood spatter patterns and forensic testing showed the victim lost almost 20 percent of his blood volume during the attack but was kept alive by a miracle or some unknown force. Criminal Investigators profiled the victim of the attack as a possible female body builder. No weapon was found or reported seen being used in the crime The suspect, who remains on life support will face criminal charges including assault with intent to harm, possession of burglary tools, possession of a controlled substance, aggravated assault, and lewd conduct. If convicted, the suspect will face three consecutive life terms behind bars with no chance for parole. 3 strikes you’re out, Asshole! |